Dear Ex,

I just have a few things to say to you for the sake of my inner peace. First, when you meet the next girl take care with your words. When she tells you what she’s been through, who she has loved, and who she has lost take care with your words. Please try to know the difference between infatuation/lust (which is rooted in fantasy, the flame we jump into, the essential first stage of love, the wanting, driven from physical connection, reward and motivation, great sex with not much to talk about, lust weakens over time and is temporary, lust is an exciting rollercoaster only sustained by physical pleasure, thrill seeking) and love (which is rooted in reality, emotional connection, empathy, meaningful time with a partner, love grows over time with attachment and bonding). Lust is selfish, love is selfless. When the real work kicks in, the relationship either transitions into love or falls apart. We fell apart. We experienced normal relationship growing pains, and you refused to work through it together. We should have established better boundaries, taken more time to communicate, and I wish you had understood a relationship was a growing experience not a constant perfection. There’s a difference between a happy relationship, and being happy every day, a healthy part of a relationship is arguing, communicating through it, and understanding what everyone needs. I wish you had not given up hope too soon, when the going got tough, I wish we had worked to build resilience together, rather than fall apart. Which has led me to believe what I know to be true, while I loved you with my whole heart, vulnerable, and unconditional; you only lusted after me, and when the flame went out, so did your commitment to this relationship. I believe you never loved me. When reality set in and the lust went away, you chose flight over fight. You liked the idea of me more than who was actually in front of you, there was only so much time before you saw my faults. In lust you are romantic partners, in love you are lifelong friends. When I first started dating you, I was cognizant of what it meant to say “I love you.” And even though it had only been about a month, I knew the work I would need to put in to back up what saying I love you meant. I wish you had taken more care with your words. I hope you know the magnitude of every time you tell someone you love them and you’ll never leave. Second, when the next girl emphasizes the impact of meeting her family (especially when young children are involved) be conscious of who you will hurt if something doesn’t work out. You breaking up with me did not only break my heart, it broke the hearts of my brothers and my parents. Everyone in my family loved you because I did, and your split-second decision to dip on your commitment to me hurt everyone. Third, if you want your relationship to feel like a movie or a country song, you have to work for it and make it that way. When we got to school we didn’t take time for dates and activities outside of our obligations to Greek life and Game Days, we should have been apple picking, pumpkin patching, cider milling, haunted housing, etc. In San Diego and St. Louis, we were doing activities and those fostered emotional intimacy, which is going to keep the spark alive. Finally, don’t do this to the next girl. I’m strong, resilient, courageous, and have amazing coping mechanisms and supporters who understand my trauma, loss, and grief experience. The next girl may not be so lucky, my dad was genuinely concerned this breakup would de-rail me for the duration of Michigan, I know plenty of people who have added an extra semester or two because their mental health was destroyed by a bad breakup, and I know the thoughts going through my head before my mom booked me a flight home could have been detrimental and irreversible. So please, the next time you think you love a girl, take a breath and ask yourself if it’s love or if it’s infatuation because most girls aren’t going to be able to handle hearing “I love you more” and getting dumped an hour later. I’m not saying I didn’t make mistakes. I was jealous, of your ex, of girls I didn’t even know, of girls that didn’t even exist. I was mistrusting. I did not respect your privacy in many ways. However, those are all things that were rooted in my relationship baggage, which you were well aware of from the start, and I was willing to work on and work through with you. My biggest takeaway and I hope yours too is in the next relationship you’re in it’s going to take WORK. It’s not going to be easy, fairytale, dream land all the time. And I hope for the sake of yourself and your amazing family that you put in the work to love someone in a deep, vulnerable, and courageous way. I know I did what I was supposed to do with you, I played big, I loved hard, I signed up to get my ass kicked and you kicked it. I hope you are able to communicate, empathize, and fight for your next relationship. I love you, I always did, and I probably always will. Because that is what love is. Even when I’m not in love with you anymore. I’ll still love you. I wish you nothing but the best.

All my love always,

Alexis